


Connie Swap Episode 15: Bonnie Lockdrew and the Cries of Hallowed Halls

by br42, BurdenKing, CoreyWW, MjStudioArts



Series: Connie Swap [15]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Art, Detectives, Drama, Dramedy, F/M, Family Secrets, Gen, Momswap, Movie Night, Multi, Murder, Murder Mystery, Mystery, Parody, Pictures, Scary Movies, Secrets, Silly, Slice of Life, Steven Universe AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-27
Updated: 2017-10-11
Packaged: 2019-01-06 02:51:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 16,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12202401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/br42/pseuds/br42, https://archiveofourown.org/users/BurdenKing/pseuds/BurdenKing, https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoreyWW/pseuds/CoreyWW, https://archiveofourown.org/users/MjStudioArts/pseuds/MjStudioArts
Summary: After returning to the quarry to make sure all is quiet, Connie finally joins Sadie, Ronaldo, and the Cool Kids for a night of scary movie viewing.





	1. Creature and a Feature

"Connie, hold still so I can ground you, young lady," commanded Peridot.

"What?!" cried the girl, her hand inches away from the Beach House door. "You can't ground me now! Steven, dad, and I are going to check on the Nightmare Monster! Jasper's already waiting by the quarry."

"This is for your own good. Now, don't move."

Connie whirled to argue with the Green gem and came face to face with... a green pendant that was slowly turning blue.

Peridot matter-of-factly placed the pendant's cord over Connie's head --the girl too confused to resist--, performed a brief scan with a limb enhancer, and then gave a satisfied nod at the result.

"There. You are now grounded. While wearing that you will no longer be a threat to this or any other dwelling's electrical systems."

Connie blinked owlishly and lifted the pendant up for examination. It was a thin rectangle of metal riddled with intricate bronze circuit patterns. She recognized the cord supporting it as one of the narrower gauges of power conduit Peridot could manufacture. While she scrutinized it, the pendant faded from blue to yellow.

"It's some of my worst work yet," announced Peridot in a pleased tone. "The power conduit fastener harvests the gem energy you radiate, which is fed into that section of chroma-phase paneling. There are eighteen different circuits in there, all working counter to one another. As a result, it takes a tremendous amount of energy to cause the panel to enact a simple color shift. It's the gemtech-equivalent of using a Lapis Lazuli to fill a glass of water," she explained, having to chuckle at the sheer absurdity.

Connie watched the pendant slowly shift from yellow to orange before she looked up at Peridot. "So... I can go now?"

"Of course, dear. Have a good outing. Be sure to tell Jasper about your new power sink so she can remind you to remove it during practice with the Citrine Aegis."

Connie gave a slow nod, shouldered her backpack, and stepped out the door. Halfway down the stairs Connie's phone buzzed. It was her dad letting her know he was waiting in his car at the Big Donut parking lot.

* * *

Steven’s cheeseburger backpack was so massively overpacked, and the boy was so excited, that it took him three tries to squeeze out the front door of his home. He turned and waved goodbye to someone inside the house, then all but sprinted over to where Doug and Connie were waiting over by Doug's car.

“-everything I could think of but then I thought of some more stuff so I-” Steven pulled Connie into an exuberant bear hug that lifted the girl off the ground, “-got mom, who’s really good at packing sensibly and she said I probably didn’t really need- Whoa cool color-changy necklace!” 

Steven had set Connie down and the boy stopped to marvel at her little rectangle of metal as it made the slow transition from orange to green. 

“-mom said I probably didn’t really need two bottles of bleach so she took them out and gave me a can of Lysol instead. Hi Mr. Maheswaran! You were really cool fighting those bee monsters at the party. So this-” he pumped Mr. Maheswaran's hand excitedly, the man a little bewildered by the verbal torrent but doing a good job taking it in stride. “- is my first time going on a mission with Connie and I’m glad you’re coming because dad says we should have adult supervision and I think he thinks you know a lot about-” he stepped into the car and buckled himself into backseat opposite Connie, his stream of consciousness spiel pausing only for breaths.

He then buckled his bulging cheeseburger backpack into the seat between them, just for good measure.

The trio spent the entire drive to the quarry awash in Steven's enthusiasm.

* * *

"-then we can take another look at the cute kitten pictures I showed everyone earlier. If we start rating them as less adorable then that could be our early warning sign that we're getting monster mojo on us. Then Connie can- Oh, hi Jasper!" called Steven as the trio made their way down the dirt trail.

Jasper narrowed her eyes marginally but eventually acknowledged the greeting with a tilt of the head. The large warrior was standing near a quartet of signs, each anchored deep into the bedrock by iron stakes. All of the bushes had been aggressively cut back so that there was absolutely no overlooking the signage.

Doug and Jasper shared a curt bow. Connie gave the Quartz a brief hug then gave her a quick rundown on the bauble she was wearing. At various times independently of one another Doug and Connie spent a few moments staring at the teak sign that was painted with expressive yellow letters. The former did so wistfully while the latter had her hand at her gemstone.

After declining Steven's offer to rate kitten photos, Jasper turned to face Connie and Doug. "I will wait here as reinforcements. If needed, I will retrieve you all then cover your retreat."

“Are you forbidden from entering the quarry by an ancient pact between Gemkind and the shadow beasts?” asked Steven.

Jasper blinked at Steven and, like she was doing a lot these days, took a moment to parse his words for hidden meanings or subtext. Eventually she said, “No. If that thing down there makes the initial group act cracked, it’s best I not be among it. No insult intended to Doug or Connie’s current capabilities but no one present could stop me if I was compromised.”

It was several dozen paces later when Connie paused for a moment, a detail about Jasper’s remark teasing at her. A beat later she shook her head and continued.

Connie thought the quarry looked much the same as it had when she'd visited it three months back, though with fewer streamers of steam coming up from the pool. No one, not even Steven, felt much like speaking while they slowly picked their way down the path to the quarry floor. Doug in particular seemed to be awkward in the descent; he had to rest for a few minutes at the bottom, wincing while rubbing his lower back.

As Connie waited for her dad to recover she noticed the same sense of cloying warmth she'd felt before. Her kitty rating slipped by half a point, though Steven's and Doug's were holding steady. She made frequent peeks to confirm that her gemstone wasn't lighting up.

Using the prickles of warmth and flashes of emotion to act as a living dowsing rod, Connie zeroed in on the Nightmare Monster's location.

Wedged into a crevice in the quarry wall Connie didn’t so much see the creature as look into an oily darkness that refused to be dispelled even when she used the flashlight from her pack. At one point she saw what she thought was a shudder ripple across the creature, though it was hard to be certain given its telltale flickering movement. One of the faint seams dimpling the surface opened into a solid-pink eye before snapping shut a split-second later, reminding her what those ‘seams’ actually represented. Connie shivered despite the pulsing heat radiating from the Stygian mystery.

While it was clear the creature had grown since last she’d seen it, it was still only a fraction of its former size.

Doug looked back and forth from the sleepy blackness to Connie, as though trying and failing to reconcile the two. Steven snapped a picture with his phone, his mouth an 'O' of fearful excitement.

Between the overwhelming sense of lassitude coming from the creature as well as the fact that she couldn't reach it wedged in the rock like it was, she announced that it was fine and that they could head back up. The trio beat a hasty retreat.

At the base of the ramp up Connie called for a stop. "Before we go further, I should dissipate any negative energy you've been exposed to. I, uh, I may be a little weird for a minute but I should be fine after that."

"Okay... How do you do that?" asked Steven.

"Like this," and she stepped close to the boy and gently guided his head forward until they were touching foreheads. Connie's gemstone flared to life and she felt... nervous, acutely self-conscious, and with no idea what to do next. A few moments later and the sensation passed.

Steven blinked. "Wooo, that was... I feel so happy and optimistic."

Connie rolled her eyes and shot him a quick smile. "Steven, you always feel that way."

"Well, okay, but this is like 'new comic smell' happy. Oh! I should write this down to put in the power diary later," and he shucked his novelty backpack and proceeded to rummage through it.

Connie turned to her dad. He was looking at her with the mix of nostalgia, apprehension, and pride that she'd come to expect when she was doing gem stuff in his presence. "Ready dad?"

"Yeah, I'm ready, cute lass," he said quietly as he dropped to one knee. She touched her forehead to his, her gemstone flared to life, and she felt... a sense of longing so powerful it made her ache and double over.

Her dad said something she didn't really hear but she waved him back and sat on the quarry floor, bathed in the light of her gemstone, waiting for the sensation to pass. Slowly the sense that something important was missing, something painful for its absence, faded. Doug and Steven helped her to her feet a moment later, though her rocky seat apparently left something to be desired and she had to stretch a little before being ready to make the ascent.

The rise to the top was a lot quicker. Everyone seemed eager to leave the eerie quiet of the quarry, even Doug making a good show of the scramble up.

Jasper received them with a nod, Connie letting her dad explain the situation while she rested nearby. She'd shrugged off her touch with Steven quickly enough but she was finding her dad's had hit her harder. She had no idea what that meant, about her dad or about her power. Still, if her first experience with the Nightmare Monster had rated a ten, this was hardly a one.

Cupping her hands over the gemstone and peering at it she could make out a faint glow.

With a nod to Doug and Connie, Jasper turned and jogged away, leaping up and over the road and landing somewhere beyond, out of sight. Steven made a low whistle then helped Connie to her feet.

Doug and Steven both had a lively conversation on the way back, especially once it became known that Doug had played some of the same Super Nintendo games Steven had been enjoying with his Super Nintendo Classic. It may have been twenty-five years ago, but Doug could still commiserate with the boy about how controller-breakingly difficult the Rainbow Road track was.

Connie let her dad carry her pack and she slipped gratefully into the passenger seat once they reached the car. Doug and Steven continued their conversation as they put the backpacks in the trunk and then hopped into the cab.

Doug looked at his daughter and furrowed his brows in worry. "Are you sure you're okay, cute lass?"

Connie shot him a reassuring smile that didn't completely reach her eyes. "Yeah, I'm just kinda achy and stuff."

From the back seat Steven piped up and said, "Oh, my mom has some special chocolate she keeps for when she's feeling like that. I could run in and grab you some when I get home, if you want?"

Connie and Doug's eyes went wide once they connected the dots, the subject being dropped entirely after the former politely declined the offer.

* * *

Doug parked in the Big Donut parking lot, the man having offered to buy the trio celebratory snacks. In the adjacent spot was a yellow convertible with assorted pizza toppings painted on it. In case that was too subtle, the license plate also read 'PIZZA'.

Doug, Steven, and, a little later, Connie climbed out of the car in time to see Buck Dewey and Jenny Pizza round the corner. The shade-wearing stoic was carrying a pair of Big Donut boxes while the delivery girl held a bag full of assorted sodas.

"Hi Con-con, Steven, Mr. Maheswaran," greeted Jenny. Gesturing to Buck she said, "Boo and I were just talkin' about that crazy party last week. Your family got another planned, Steven?"

Steven smiled. "Heh, it was pretty bananas. But Mom, Dad, and me are leaving tonight for an early summer vacation. I took all of my tests already so I'm skipping the last week of school to go to Capital City. We’re gonna see museums and a bunch of old timey stuff from the revolutionary war and get our pictures taken in front of monuments, oh, and there’s a couple of different marches going on that we’re gonna be part of.”

"That's neato," said Buck, his gaze invisible behind his mirrored shades. "That explains why your dad rescheduled our guitar lessons."

"Hey Mr. M, you thinkin' of giving butt-kickin' lessons? You weren't center stage but you put on a darn good show at that party," said Jenny, shifting the heavy bag from hand to hand while gesturing with whichever was free.

Doug adjusted his glasses and gave a modest chuckle. "If you're curious, that was mostly my Escrima training. I learned it for self-defense back in the day and I use it some for work."

"They teach you to smash bee monsters with chairs in Escrima?" asked Jenny, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, no, but the baton fighting techniques are applicable. The rest of it was improvised. This is Beach City; no one trains for that. Other than the Crystal Gems, of course," he said, patting Connie encouragingly on the shoulder.

"Beach City is the Hobbesian Leviathan confronted by actual leviathans," opined Buck in his chill monotone. "It reminds us that life is uncertain and, hence, precious. Also, there are donuts. Those are good too."

With that he lifted the top box open to offer some to the trio.

"Thanks Buck but we're going in to get some of our own," said Connie. "Actually, we just came back from the quarry to make sure the thing down there was still asleep."

Buck's shades slipped down his nose and Jenny's mouth hung open before the girl shook her head and said, "Wow. That's gutsy, Con-con. Things go okay?"

Connie waved her off, flushing slightly at the group's attention. "Nothing happened. It slept the whole time."

"Bravery is not the absence of fear but rather acting despite it," said Buck.

"Oh hey, actually, we're doing scary movie night tonight at home boy's house," Jenny said, jabbing a thumb in Buck’s direction. "You should come. If your 'rents don't mind, that is," she said winking at Doug.

Doug gave Connie’s shoulder a light squeeze. "If Connie can face down actual eldritch monstrosities then I say she can choose if she wants to watch the low-budget equivalent with friends."

Jenny flashed a wide grin at that. "Great. Movie starts at seven. Shoot us a text if you wanna make it. Anyway, you all have fun."

With that the pair made their goodbyes, then got into their memorably decorated car. With a final wave from Steven and Connie, the pair drove off. 

The trio rounded the corner and entered the shop. Sadie looked up from the chips she was restocking. “Oh, hi. Welcome to the Big Donut.”

“Hi Sadie,” said Steven. He glanced around. “Where’s Lars?”

Sadie looked askance, then said, “He’s doing inventory in the back?” her voice lilting up into a question.

There was a snort and then the sound of snoring from the back of the shop. Sadie facepalmed.

* * *

Jenny answered the door as Connie fidgeted nervously on the doorstep. "Hey Con-con. Glad you could make it. That’s some cool bling you’re wearin’. Green suits you. Anyway, the other's are chillin' right now. I'll show you 'round." She led the girl into the mayor's house and site for tonight's movie viewing.

It had nice furniture of the kind that wasn't routinely destroyed and rebuilt. It was the sort of tidy you got from a cleaning service rather than twice weekly scourings by robonoids, floating fingers, and hyrdokinetic washing. It was large by Beach City standards. Seeing as how Connie lived in a house abutting a temple, a temple that was both towering outside and non-Euclidian inside, Connie was neither intimidated nor impressed.

When Connie heard that Sadie was deep in conversation with someone, she was expecting to see Buck or Sour Cream sitting opposite her. Instead, as she entered the living room she saw Ronaldo sitting up and talking excitedly with the donut shop clerk.

"I'm not saying _Braindead_ is good," argued the fedora-wearing teen, "but rather that it is so uniquely bad as to compel the aficionado to witness it."

On the coffee table beside them were bowls of snacks and multiple stacks of media, DVDs and VHS tapes both. They featured titles like _Hellhound_ , _Slice Town_ , and _The Rotten Forgotten_.

Sadie hurriedly swallowed her mouthful of soda to reply. "The only thing that movie compelled me to wonder was how on earth Peter Jackson had a movie career after he made that. The kung fu priest fighting zombies was awesome but that scene was, like, ninety seconds long out of a hundred-minute trainwreck."

"Hey guys, Connie's here. Why don't you two give Con-con the scoop on tonight's feature," said Jenny, prying an opening into the conversation between movie buffs.

"Oh, hey Connie," answered Sadie as she sifted through the assortment of scary movies on the coffee table. "We were thinking of watching _Bonnie Lockdrew and the Cries of Hallowed Halls_ , a murder mystery-slash-psychological horror mashup. Came out about fifteen years ago, it's a kind of scary whodunnit. Though we can watch something else if you've already seen it," she finished, retrieving the desired DVD and showing the slightly battered cover to Connie.

Connie stared at the cover art, looking at the six people depicted on it: three men, three women, each holding something that she guessed was a potential murder weapon, each looking guilty or nervous (or both). They looked... kind of familiar.

"Is... is that guy in the middle holding a mounted fish?" asked Connie incredulously.

Ronaldo nodded. "Technically it's an animatronic prop _resembling_ a salmon. I researched this film prior to tonight's gathering. One of the truth-seekers who follow my blog informed me that the film was initially sponsored by the makers of the _Sal the Sassy Salmon_ line of novelty fish. The sponsors withdrew their support midway through production, which may have contributed to-"

"Hey, no spoilers," interrupted Sadie.

"Ah, my apologies. Ms. Miller is quite right. We can save this discussion for after the film," he said in a smug kind of magnanimity.

"'Truth-seeker?'" asked Connie. From out of Ronaldo's field of vision, Sadie facepalmed.

Jenny rolled her eyes while Ronaldo puffed himself up and spoke with considerable self-importance. "You may not know, but I am the founder and chief contributor to Keep Beach City Weird, the spearpoint for the Truth to wash away fiction and nourish the minds of those unshackled from the Conspiracy."

 _This guy's more mixed up than the metaphors in that sentence,_ thought a corner of Connie. The rest of her was wondering how he was able to enunciate the capital letters in 'Conspiracy' and ‘Truth.’

"Over the years dozens and scores of fellow investigators have rallied to the KBCW banner, acting as eyes and ears and noses across this hollow globe for signs of the Conspiracy. The Truth doesn't rest and seldom bathes, and neither do they."

"Noses?" asked Sadie.

"Hollow?" asked Jenny.

"And this truth seeking includes looking up information about animatronic fish for an old movie?" asked Connie.

"The Conspiracy is ubiquitous," said Ronaldo quickly, attempting to regain some of his lost momentum, "and there are many avenues by which one may conduct a pursuit of the Truth."

_More like Trivial Pursuit of the truth._

A shōji panel door, a paper wall in a frame of wood and bamboo, that Connie had mistaken for a wall decoration slid open revealing Buck Dewey in yoga pants and a t-shirt that showed a meditating hot dog. The caption read, ‘Make me one with everything.’

"I hear that," said Buck. "The truth is elusive and can sometimes approach obliquely. Much like Sour Cream’s little brother."

"Hey Boo. Have a good meditation?" cooed Jenny.

"Enlightenment eludes me, but the nap was nice," he answered.

Leaping to her feet, movie in hand, Sadie said, "Everyone's here. Let's go watch the movie!" She then propelled Connie around the coffee table and into an adjacent room lined with couches, all facing a projector screen.

"Sorry, but Ronaldo can get a little carried away," she whispered once they were out of earshot of the others. "He knows his scary movies, and he's got a great collection, but he takes that, uh, hobby of his a little seriously."

Connie nodded. Living with Peridot had taught her how to tread carefully around a conversational minefield laden with passionate (and lengthy) digressions.

Calling over her shoulder Connie asked, "Where's Sour Cream? I thought he came to these too."

Buck and Jenny walked in holding assorted snacks and started getting the space situated for optimal lazing. While scooching over a TV tray, Jenny said, “Creamsicle has been super tight-lipped ‘bout his big city business. My guess is that he’s spinn’ up in Empire but don’t want us to go for some reason. Maybe the club is like, dank or somethin.’”

“If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it’s yours between gigs,” added Buck.

Ronaldo came in and got situated on a couch near the front. He was holding a notepad that he flipped open to a fresh page. There was the click of a pen and the sound of writing.

“Taking notes?” asked Connie.

“I make a point of recording my subjective experiences when possible. There are ghostly forces out there that can warp a person’s feelings and only through constant vigilance can you be certain your self remains inviolate,” he said solemnly. “Also, I do movie reviews on a KBCW side blog. I will be asking everyone for a rating and perhaps a one- or two-line observation at the conclusion of the film.”

Sadie was fiddling with the DVD player and futzing with the controls. Eventually the movie’s menu, an eerie mansion with silhouettes of the main cast superimposed on the sky overhead, came up on the projector screen.

“Hey, movie's good to go. Everyone ready?” asked the blonde.

“Yup,” said Jenny, sitting in the back with her legs draped over Buck, the pair making brisk progress on a bowl of cheddar popcorn. Buck nodded, still wearing his shades despite being in a darkened room.

There was another pen click. “I am prepared. Thank you, Sadie.”

Connie wrapped herself up in a blanket, for comfort more than temperature, and gave the blonde a nod.

Sadie was poised to press play when she turned and said, “Uh, Connie? You sure you’re not going to, like, summon a living shadow or zap-fry the projector or something?”

 _I want to take umbrage at that but it’s a valid question,_ Connie thought, begrudgingly.

“No, we’re good. After the party last week Peridot made me this,” and she lifted the (currently blue) pendant up. “It’ll keep me from shorting out any electronics.”

“Oh, I assumed that was your phylactery,” said Ronaldo matter-of-factly.

Everyone stared at him, the only sound being the looping soundtrack of the movie menu.

With a didactic tone, Ronaldo elaborated. “Polymorphic rock people, if destroyed, can reconstitute themselves from their phylactery. The reason the defeated gravelkin are placed in spheres is because an unbroken geometric barrier severs the connection between foe and phylactery, preventing them from returning.” He shoved a handful of potato chips in his mouth and mumbled, “Honeftwy, it’f all on my bwog.”

The silence stretched on for a moment before Connie added, “Uhhh, nope. I’m not wearing a magical save point or anything. You can, uh, start the movie, Sadie.”

Sadie got seated on the same couch as Connie, took a drag off her soda, and said, “Alright everyone. Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I present to you: _Bonnie Lockdrew and the Cries of Hallowed Halls_.”

* * *

Bonnie stepped out of the classic Rolls-Royce and tipped her hat to the chauffeur. The man didn’t look away from the driveway for a moment, merely waiting patiently for her to close the door. The second she did, he pulled away and disappeared around the side of the mansion, presumably into a garage.

Bonnie drew her red trench coat tightly around her. The threat of another bitter Delmarva winter was carried on the wind, banishing the warmth of the car to a memory. The clouds overhead were foreboding, with rain being more promise than threat. From habit rather than concern, a hand went up to confirm that her choker still held its lustrous yellow gemstone.

It had been her mother’s. Bonnie was never without it.

Hat pulled low, Bonnie walked quickly across the path to the front door, the gravel crunching underfoot. The last light of day was fading but no exterior lights had been lit. The massive house looked indifferent to the dying light; time sat heavy upon it.

A servant who could very well have been the twin of Bonnie’s taciturn driver opened the door for her. Rather than offer to take her coat, he grabbed his own and stepped outside. Seeing her stare, he said, “You’re the last one,” and then closed the door in her face.

 _The reception may be cold but at least the house is warm,_ drawled Bonnie inwardly.

“A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met yet,” said a familiar and yet impossible voice.

Bonnie turned, expecting to see her little, old, nut-brown employer. Or, given the circumstances, her employer’s ghost. Instead she saw a man with huge, dark curls and smiling eyes. He was fiddling with... a fish?

He looked up and spotted Bonnie. Pink collared shirt tucked into khaki pants. Black belt, black shoes. The sort of man you’d see holding a guitar and leading campers in a song. The sort of man you’d bring home to mother. Not that Bonnie had a mother.

“Hehe, I guess that would be you, stranger. I’m Stephan,” he said, extending his free hand out in invitation.

Bonnie paused for a moment to consider the walking ball of earnestness greeting her. _Don’t worry, neither nice nor crazy are contagious. I should be fine._

She shook his hand. His grip was deceptively soft and surprisingly warm. Taking the sucker from her mouth, she said, “Bonnie. Nice to meet you.” That she grinned was an involuntary reaction. Pepper makes you sneeze. Onions make you tear up. Guilelessness makes you return smiles.

“I’m gonna try this thing again,” he said, all cheer.

He poked a button and the fish jolted to life, the mouth wagging up and down while old Nana Fey spoke through it. Bonnie found it unsettling. Stephan found it delightful. 

“Make sure you wipe your feet,” said the fish.

Stephan looked down and noticed brown marring his shiny black shoes. “This fish is two for two!” He walked over toward the entrance and made use of the doormat. “I love these things! Nana Fey was a genius for thinking them up.”

_It’s like meeting a unicorn: too pure to be real. Then you learn he has an inordinate fondness for bric-a-brac and you realize, horn or no horn, a unicorn’s still a horse._

Unaware of Bonnie’s inner monologue, Stephan poked the button again.

“The weak are grist for the mill. Only the strong will survive.”

Bonnie’s mask of professionalism (and her hat) hid her surprise. Stephan, stunned and at a loss for how to respond, only chuckled nervously.

There was a chuckle and then the click of heels on a hardwood floor. “Granny was sometimes a little off her meds when she did those recordings,” said a smirking dark-skinned woman in a dress that started too high and ended too low for Bonnie’s taste. Her choker was at least a tasteful black instead of something gaudy.

“Jenna, don’t speak ill of the dead,” scolded a woman who walked over from the adjacent parlor. Side-by-side, the two were as different as it was possible for twins to be. Like theater masks, one was a smirking Thalia and the other, a dower Melpomene. Even their outfits were night and day, one a respectable black dress of mourning and the other a clinging white strapless number that defied both social expectations and gravity.

Ignoring her sister, Jenna said, “The ‘Amazing Advice’ line that you’re holding was the last batch made. Got pulled off the shelves.”

“I can’t imagine why,” drawled Bonnie.

The twin in white flashed Bonnie a wry smile and sashayed back off to the parlor. Her counterpart pinched the bridge of her nose until the sound of footsteps had receded.

“Please forgive my sister. She can be a little irreverent. I’m Nikki, by the way.” The trio exchanged names and handshakes there in the entryway.

“We all deal with grief in different ways,” offered the walking beacon of optimism.

Nikki gave a half smile. “That’s one way to see it,” she said before sighing and looking around the huge house. “I’m afraid there won’t be time for a tour --the reading of the will should begin soon-- but I can say that this mansion has quite a history. It used to be a hotel back in the twenties before it burned down. Suspected arson; a few people died. After that, someone bought the land and built this mansion, but the original owner committed suicide during the stock market crash. Jumped right out the third floor window. After that, it changed hands a few more times. It got foreclosed on about ten years ago when the owner at the time was convicted of killing a bunch of people and throwing their bones into the very furnace we still use. Then Nana snapped it up. Used it as a summer home and office.”

Bonnie shivered despite, or perhaps because of, the heat. “Huh. That is quite a history. And you all ... spent time here as kids?”

“Yep, all the time. Nana loved telling us spooky ghost stories about this place.” Nikki smiled nervously. “There were entire summers where I didn’t get a single good night's sleep.”

“Yeah, I can believe it.”

Stephan was about to say something when a harsh voice cut through the corridor. “Ha! No A.V. equipment is going to best Maddie Saeller!”

“If you’d just listened to me, we could have-” started a deep and pretentious voice Bonnie was unfamiliar with, but the mystery speaker was cut off.

“CAN IT, Ricardo!”

Nikki gave another sigh. “And now they’re at it again. At least Nana’s will is ready. Follow me.” Stephan trailed behind Nikki, still holding that toy fish for some reason. Bonnie took up the rear.

The trio walked into a lavishly appointed parlor, the ugly metal A.V. cart, like something from a high school classroom, somewhat spoiling the effect. Glancing over, Bonnie couldn’t help but notice that a rolling pin hung in a place of honor above the mantle.

A stocky blonde woman in a pale blue dress (with a surprisingly high slit in the side) was standing defiantly by the television. Her triumphant smile was countered by the sulk of a man with combed back hair that was almost more orange than blonde. He wore glasses, grey pleated pants and a long, grey overcoat which covered a white collared shirt. He was clutching a notebook in one hand and errantly clicking a pen in his other.

Nikki walked over to the man and gave his arm a little squeeze, but neither the grip on the notepad nor the clicking relented.

Bonnie raised an eyebrow at the unlikely pairing but said nothing.

Movement in a shadowy corner of the room drew Bonnie’s eye, revealing a man seated in a plush chair. Where Stephan was dressed nicely, this man was dressed _well_ , his clothes bespoke and freshly pressed. Expensive shoes bobbed restlessly at the end of elegantly tailored black pants. He wore a fine vest with a long-sleeved purple dress shirt beneath. He was swirling a snifter of, judging from the nearby bottle, brandy and looking bored behind his spectacles.

_I didn’t know they made mirrored pince-nez glasses._

Jenna had draped herself across a chaise longue nearby. She surveyed the room with half-lidded eyes like a cat waiting to pounce on something helpless.

The stocky blonde, Maddie, to go by her cry of victory earlier, finished waiting for everyone to arrive, or simply grew impatient, and jammed a button on one of the devices connected to the TV. She then moved a little ways back and watched the screen like everyone else.

Nana Fey was looking at them from the television. She was sitting in a high-backed chair that practically swallowed the tiny woman. In her lap was a novelty fish that she was stroking like a cat.

“Hello. If you are watching this then I’m dead. What a bummer,” said the tiny woman, ending with a philosophical, what-can-you-do shrug. “However, I have a few things I need to do before I’m truly gone. The first, I want everyone to look under their chair because you’ve JUST WON A NEW CAR!” she exclaimed.

Most of the assembled were standing, and thus milled about confused. Muttered remarks of, “Really?” and, “Whoa!” emerging from the assembled. The few who were seated patted under their seats. Ricardo stooped to look under a nearby chair. One of the Bizza twins groaned.

Nana Fey giggled, one hand over her mouth like she was a school girl rather than a senior citizen. The other hand continued to stroke the novelty fish. “Just kidding. Dying may be a drag but it has its perks. Anyway, down to business. I Nana Fey Bizza, being of sound mind and body-”

“Pfft, yeah, right,” said Jenna derisively.

“Jenna! Be respectful!” sputtered Nikki, appalled.

“Jenna, listen to your sister,” said Nana Fey.

The twin in white started to reply when the words died on her lips. Everyone swiveled around to face the television, several looking decidedly paler.

Maddie inched closer to the TV. “If this thing plays differently the second time, there’s going to be a Maddie-shaped hole through that wall right there,” she said before pushing a button that caused the video to jump back about fifteen seconds.

“-may be a drag but it has its perks. Anyway, down to business. I Nana Fey, being of sound mind and body-” there was a sustained silence, “Jenna, listen to your sister.”

“Wow, go granny,” muttered Jenna, earning impressed nods from two or three other people around the room.

“Being the legal owner of the Bizza Pie franchise, the Friendly Fey Fish toy line, several estates, as well as the mansion you all are watching this in, well... I’ve got a lot to leave behind. And with the untimely death of my son, Koffee, I have no obvious heir to designate.”

Nana Fey drummed her fingers on the fish for a moment, either in thought or simply for dramatic effect. “I have come to despair of how kids these day act. The driven ones have no manners and the well-mannered ones have no drive. And none of them have any appreciation for their elders, or the advice-giving fish those elders make that get pulled from the shelves in a mass recall!”

Nana Fey was standing in her chair as her tirade intensified, the fish being swung about like a cudgel to bludgeon the heads of an ungrateful generation. By the end she was practically yelling.

There was pause, the old woman breathing hard. Then she flopped down in her seat and smiled sweetly, the fish once more being stroked in her lap.

“It almost makes me glad I’m dead. Anyway, I have brought the eight of you here to decide among yourselves who is the most deserving of my fortune.”

At the mention of eight, Jenna shot the man in purple a vicious glare. The other five looked around uncertainly.

The video, with impeccable timing as always, resumed talking. “Present are my lovely granddaughters, Nikki and Jenna. Nikki’s husband, Ricardo, whose marriage was able to end the bitter feud between our families’ companies, has been invited as well. Guacamole, Jenna’s husband, and their lifelong friend, Chuck-”

“Where is he?!” hissed Jenna, anger clear in her voice.

“I told you, he couldn’t make it,” said Chuck levelly.

“-are here too. Maddie, the manager of our most successful Bizza Pie franchise, is a possible recipient as well. Bonnie is a private investigator who has been an invaluable aid to the family over the years, even if few knew it.”

This earned Bonnie a number of stares that ranged from curious to confused to hostile.

“And lastly, there’s Stephan. Such a nice young man.”

Stephan clutched the fish to his chest and appeared to shrink in on himself.

There was a heavy thud outside one of the windows that made everyone jump. This was followed with more bangs and thuds that resonated throughout the mansion. Maddie tromped over to the window and pulled back the curtain to reveal a heavy, metal storm shutter being erected.

The deceased woman cleared her throat, causing all heads to turn her way once more. “I have ordered all of the household staff out and the mansion is being sealed up. All lines of communications have been severed, and anyone who does somehow manage to leave will be immediately disqualified.”

Maddie and Ricardo both pulled out phones, the former making a choking sound while the latter waved his around and muttered something about bars.

“The house will be opened up at dawn by my legal team and those of you present will have precisely one minute to unanimously designate the new heir to my estate. If you can’t, the whole thing is being liquefied and the proceeds are being left to my extremely distant relation, Kevin.”

“Kevin?!” exclaimed several, some said it in surprise, others spat the name out as an epithet.

“I HATE that guy,” said Stephan through clenched teeth.

Bonnie’s eyebrows went way up at that.

“So there you have it,” said Nana Fey. “Decide who among you is most deserving or it will all go to the one who is least. Nana Fey, OUT!”

The old woman leapt to her feet and threw something to the floor that produced a billowing cloud of smoke. A few seconds later the smoke cleared, showing an empty room and the dead eyes of the fake fish staring at them from where it had been left on the chair. The scene lingered on the fish silently for a few more seconds before going black.

All at once the room filled with voices. Cross discussion soon gave way to pitched arguments as the tension that had built in the room came crashing down like a thunderclap. It wasn’t clear to Bonnie what everyone was saying, but it was abundantly clear that they wouldn’t be settling this soon.

“You’d have an easier time killing everyone else than get an agreement out of this crowd.”

There was dead silence. Everyone was staring at Bonnie.

Bonnie looked suddenly awkward. _Apparently that had been out loud. Of all the times for my inner monologue to speak into a hot mic…_

That set Maddie off, who bulled the others aside for personal space, pacing in the crowded room while visibly agitated. “This is double-stuffed malarkey with extra cheese! I didn’t ask to be locked in here with a crazy lady’s family in a mansion that by all rights should be haunted a dozen times over!”

Stephan cleared his throat. That didn’t help. He tried again. That didn’t help either. He held the fish aloft and pressed the button, causing a piscine Nana Fey to say, “You have two ears but only one mouth, so you should listen twice as much as you talk.”

There was silence.

“Oh, uh, why don’t we just talk about it calmly? We’re all good people, right?” asked the man, eyes wide with sincerity.

“NO!” shouted back the room.

Just then there was a crack of thunder that rattled the windows. The room was plunged into darkness.

There was a scream, shrill and panicked. Other shouts called out; furniture was loudly shoved aside; feet clomped across the floor; that talking fish was activated, though the words were lost in the din. 

A shot went off that set Bonnie’s ears ringing. She’d just pulled her large, aluminum flashlight out of its holster in her coat --a little innovation she’d picked up from her father-- when she dropped into a crouch and sought a wall to put her back to. She nearly bit the stick on her sucker in half.

The lights came on, momentarily blinding Bonnie despite her wide-brimmed hat. When the room clarified she saw Ricardo standing next to an open fuse box, a sleeve torn and his yellow-orange hair askew.

Chuck furtively tucked a pistol into a vest pocket. Maddie was holding a fire poker like a sword, her expression manic. Jenna was looking over something, tears streaming down her face and the rolling pin from the mantle clutched in her hand.

Stephen stood a ways back, hiding behind the mounted fish like a particularly ineffective shield.

Bonnie had lived an eventful life even before her career had made it all the more colorful. And so it was that Bonnie knew with a look that Nikki, lying on the floor in the middle of the room, appearing almost peaceful as the color drained from her cheeks, was dead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The promo picture was drawn by MjStudioArts and the in-chapter art was a joint effort between BurdenKing and MjStudioArts.
> 
> As a reminder, the next chapter will be going up on Wednesday, October 11th as part of our new every-other-week schedule. However, you can anticipate other Connie Swap content going up between now and then.
> 
> Speaking of, there’s another What-If answer from [this prompt](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10673391/chapters/27310398) that has been answered on the Connie Swap Tumblr:  
> *) [What if Citrine somehow was still around (while Connie is alive)?](http://connieswap.tumblr.com/post/165621944963/this-what-if-machine-prompt-was-asked-on-ao3-by)  
> 
> 
> * * *
> 
> If you have a Connie Swap story burning in your soul that you want to see in our official, curated Omake collection, drop us a comment either in the Omake fic or here in the main fic and we'll get in touch.
> 
> Connie Swap has an official Discord for the fans. [Come check it out.](https://discord.gg/RQMDdhr)
> 
> As usual, we'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments and your asks at the [Connie Swap Tumblr](http://connieswap.tumblr.com/). Thanks for reading!


	2. Whodunnit

Connie stared at Bonnie staring at Nikki's corpse. Somehow her feet had left the floor and were now perched on the edge of the couch, her knees pulled to her chest. _When had that happened?_

A throb from her shoulders and back informed her that she'd been holding the pose for some time. On the screen, everyone in the parlor started talking at once. On the couch, Connie looked over to see Sadie already looking back at her, the blonde’s hand moving toward the remote. The action on screen froze.

"Somethin' up?" came Jenny's reply from behind. There was the click of a pen retracting and Ronaldo's silhouette turned to face Sadie in silent question.

Sadie lied easily as she disentangled herself from her blanket. "I'm just calling a five-minute break. Things really pick up from here, so it seemed like the right place."

Connie's expression must have been grateful because Sadie shot her a wink, visible (if barely) in the dim room.

"'s cool. Home boy and I need more popcorn."

"Cogito ergo nom," added Buck, the light of the screen reflecting off his shades.

"If we must then so be it," sighed Ronaldo, who, despite the couch's best efforts, managed to scrabble to his feet.

Connie stood up and felt a shot run through her spine. She made a strangled noise and leaned against the furniture in front of her for support.

Sadie was suddenly at her side but Connie managed to wave her off. "It's fine. I've been really achy today is all. I may have gotten a little tense during the movie."

"Headaches? Back pain?" asked the blonde girl.

Connie nodded, especially at the second, and tried do some light stretching. Sadie and Jenny exchanged knowing looks while Ronaldo ambled past.

"I keep some heating packs 'round here. Those'll help," prescribed Jenny. "Dark chocolate pretzels will too."

Sadie fished a couple of white, oblong pills out of her purse and placed them in Connie's hand. "Just some Midol."

 _Why does everyone keep thinking-_ but a complaint from her lower back silenced Connie's unspoken objections.

_Besides, chocolate pretzels sound pretty good right now._

* * *

Connie snuggled into the heating pack and took a bite of chocolate-covered pretzels while she got situated on the couch. The media room was empty save for her and Ronaldo, who had settled back into his former spot and was reviewing his notes with the aid of a penlight.

The screen still showed Bonnie and the others in the parlor.

Connie glanced from character to character, her brows furrowing. "Ronaldo?"

The fry cook looked up and over at her, the underside of his face lit by the reflected glow of his little light. "Yes?"

"I asked the others during the break and they didn't really see it but I wanted to ask you too: do the characters in the movie seem kind of... familiar to you?"

Ronaldo gave an underlit grin. "Ah, so you _can_ see past the surface of things. Is that true for all rock people, or is it a consequence of your hybrid nature?"

Connie blinked. "Um, Jasper, Lapis, and Peridot are pretty smart, and they've been around for a _really_ long time, but I don't think they have any kind of super insight powers, if that's what you mean."

Ronaldo attempted to write something down with the penlight but realized his mistake. He looked around in vain for the pen that was sitting in his shirt pocket before shrugging and turning back to Connie. "Still, it sounds like they aren't observant like you or I."

"Riiight,” said Connie. There was a stretch of silence. “So, the movie?" she asked, trying to move the conversation away from... whatever this was.

"Ah yes." He used the penlight to scratch the side of his cheek before placing it alongside his pen in his shirt pocket. "Either the world operates on archetypes, a fact which the Conspiracy exploits," he absent-mindedly retrieved his pen and fiddled with it while he spoke. "Or the Conspiracy has shaped the world into a form that's easier to predict and thus easier to control." He once more scratched his cheek with his pen, the light in the room being just bright enough to show the doodle he was making on his skin. "It's one of the great mysteries my fellow truth-seekers and I hope to answer."

"Is this, like, a ‘Hero’s Journey’/Campbellian monomyth sort of thing?" she offered, hoping he was just _really_ into literary analysis, and not full-on crazy.

He unknowingly drew squiggles on his other cheek. "Nothing so trite. However, I hear the others returning so perhaps we can finish this conversation another time." Fixing her with a heavy look, he said, "It's fascinating to make your acquaintanceship."

As the others walked in, his serious expression slid back to casual indifference. Connie suspected he was shooting for 'I'm contemplating the profound' but the doodles on his face made it more 'I wonder where my pants are.'

Jenny and Buck got situated in the back of the room, their popcorn bowl overflowing. Sadie shuffled past Connie and got ensconced in the blanket they were sharing. Connie placed the bowl of chocolate-covered pretzels between them and Sadie shot her an approving smile.

"Ready?" asked Sadie, arm outstretched and holding the remote.

"Let's do this," replied Jenny while Buck gave a silent nod.

"I'm prepared to continue," intoned Ronaldo.

"Mhm," Connie managed around a mouthful of pretzels.

"Alright. I've rewound to when Ricardo gets the lights back on."

* * *

The lights came on, momentarily blinding Bonnie despite her wide-brimmed hat. When the room clarified she saw Ricardo standing next to an open fuse box, a sleeve torn and his yellow-orange hair askew.

Chuck furtively tucked a pistol into a vest pocket. Maddie was holding a fire poker like a sword, her expression manic. Jenna was looking over something, tears streaming down her face and the rolling pin from the mantle clutched in her hand.

Stephen stood a ways back, hiding behind the mounted fish like a particularly ineffective shield.

Bonnie had lived an eventful life even before her career had made it all the more colorful. And so it was that Bonnie knew with a look that Nikki, lying on the floor in the middle of the room, appearing almost peaceful as the color drained from her cheeks, was dead.

Everyone in the parlor started talking at once.

Ricardo pushed his way through the throng, saw Nikki splayed out in repose, then dropped to his knees dramatically. He raised his head up, arms out wide, and in a loud voice that silenced all others he cried out, "WHYYY?!"

In the silence, the sound of a nickel bouncing off the hard floor rang like a bell.

Jenna scowled at Ricardo, her cheeks still damp with tears. "There's five cents. Why don't you get some better acting lessons."

"My beloved wife has just been killed and you besmirch my grief?!" objected Ricardo loudly. Bonnie noticed that he pocketed the nickel.

Jenna stalked around to the other side of her fallen twin. "Beloved?! Everyone knows your marriage was a sham! Nikki only agreed to marry you to end that stupid restaurant war. But now you get to be single again. Plus, there’s one less person for you to compete with in the vote for all of granny’s stuff!" Her eyes narrowed. "You and your nasty fries make me sick."

Ricardo was taken aback, but by the time he'd risen to his feet he'd found indignation enough to reply. "Your accusation is as flimsy as your outfit. Setting aside the slander about my marriage, Nikki receiving the inheritance would have been just as beneficial to me as if I had received it myself! Nikki's death hurts my position, you specious sybarite!"

"What did you call me?!" roared Jenna. She then paused to look around the others in the room. "No, seriously, what did he call me?"

"Furthermore," continued Ricardo, pacing like a prosecutor addressing the court, "those can only be crocodile tears you're shedding. Your jealousy of your sister was well-known. Nikki was always the dutiful daughter, the go-getter, while you and your... companions lived a life of personal indulgence. And, oh yeah, you were _standing over Nikki's body HOLDING A WEAPON when the lights came on!"_

Ricardo punctuated his statement by clicking his pen and then thrusting it into his gray overcoat's breast pocket. He apparently had miscounted the number of clicks because the writing tip punched through his pocket bottom with an audible tearing noise. Ricardo winced but otherwise ignored the mistake, attempting to salvage what dignity he could.

Bonnie cleared her throat. The people in the room looked her way while her gaze remained locked on Chuck. "Aren't we forgetting about the gun that was fired during the blackout?" she said levelly.

A single carefully-groomed eyebrow rose above the mirrored pince-nez glasses. "I was jostled in the dark while reaching for my pistol to defend myself." 

_Your purple dress shirt doesn't look jostled._

"Or maybe you shot the wrong Bizza twin in the dark," countered Bonnie. "Things haven't been the same between you, Guacamole, and Jenna since the two got married. There have been several very public disturbances that showed your opinion of the matter."

Jenna rounded on Chuck. In a low voice she said, "Guac was stayin' at your pad in Empire City when he 'couldn't make it,'” making air quotes with her fingers at the end. “You thinkin' our triangle needs fewer sides, Chucky?"

"Guacamole had business he wanted to keep to himself in Empire. He asked to use my condo and I allowed him. What's mine is yours and yours is mine, eh, Jenna?" he said levelly, the challenge at the end delivered without affect.

He reached a hand into his vest while looking in Bonnie's direction, causing the red-cloaked woman to tense up slightly. "As far as the shot, the only casualty was my outfit," and he poked a manicured finger through a hole and wiggled it. "I'm curious why you claim to know so much about my personal affairs, miss Bonnie." His expression and his voice remained flat throughout.

 _Chuck. In the parlor. With the pistol. Brilliant, Bonnie. This wouldn't be the first game of_ Clue _I've fumbled, but if this goes sideways, it might be my last._

Years of training compelled Bonnie to position herself so she could keep an eye on everyone in the room all at once. "I've been Nana Fey's private investigator for years now," explained Bonnie. "Among other things, she wanted me to keep an eye on Chuck, Jenna, and Guacamole so that she could head off any scandals before they could undermine the family business." 

The sucker in her mouth traveled from one side to the other while she turned to address the man in purple. "It is literally my job to know about your personal affairs, mister Chuck."

"Nana had a snoop spyin’ on me and my boys. Fine," said Jenna dismissively. "And her invitin' you here was probably just more of her messed up sense of humor."

_I can't argue with that, though I sense a 'but' coming._

"But you did make that 'easier time killing everyone' crack just before the lights went out. You do more than snoopin', Bon-bon?"

_Your 'but' stinks almost as much as that nickname._

Before Bonnie could reply, Ricardo walked over and casually invaded her personal space, scrutinizing her like she were a mannequin and he was considering buying the coat she was wearing.

Bonnie took a step back, her molars biting hard on the stick of her sucker as she spoke through her teeth. “Ricardo. Step. Back. Please.”

Ricardo had been bent at the waist, leaned forward and inspecting her. He straightened and said, “I can’t help but notice you have a hairline crack in that jewelry of yours. The result of a recent struggle, perhaps?” he asked, the question laden with insinuations.

Bonnie’s hand went to her choker. “No,” she said with finality. “That’s always been there. And you’re one to make such accusations given the state of your sleeve.”

Ricardo puffed himself up. “That’s the result of the generalized panic during-”

Maddie, still holding that fire poker in a white-knuckle grip, interrupted with a frustrated growl. "This whole 'airing everyone's dirty laundry and playing junior sleuths' thing is fun and all, but so the hell what?" 

Jenna sidled off to one side, a smirk on her face, while Maddie pointed at the corpse and continued her tirade. "She's dead and one of you did it. I don't intend to stand around waiting to find out first-hand who it was. I'm going to find a room somewhere, bar the door, and the lawyers can dig me out at dawn. Follow me and-"

Jenna's giggle cut through the blonde-in-blue's unfinished threat. "Someone dropped their phooone~" she tittered from the chair she'd sat down in, one leg crossed casually over the other, a light blue cellphone in her hand.

 _Does that girl_ want _everyone to dislike her?_

"Hey! Give that back!" demanded Maddie.

Jenna grinned widely. "Can't. It's evidence."

"I don't have any reason to kill anybody, though if you-"

"Whatever, short stack. Let's just look at this text history." Jenna cleared her throat while Maddie's eyes bulged. "To Lawrence, and I quote, 'I hate all the people here. I'm going to literally murder everyone here,' end quote."

Maddie was nervously wringing the poker's neck. "Th-that's clearly just me venting. That's not a crime. I didn't _actually_ mean-"

"Lawrence then says 'lol' after which you reply, 'I'm not joking, I really mean it. This is not me venting. Please give the cops an alibi.'" Jenna looked up at Maddie, smug as a cat washing the feathers off its fur.

"I... That, uh, that is taken out of context."

"Lawrence says 'lol. send pix pls' and _then_ -"

Maddie stomped across the room hurriedly. "ALRIGHT, YEAH, I SAID THAT! STOP READING!" and she swiped the phone from Jenna's unresisting grip.

"What about him?" asked Ricardo, pointing to the hitherto ignored man in pink. Stephan was standing like a deer in headlights towards the back while fearfully clutching that novelty fish to his chest.

"What _about_ him? If Bon-bon is granny's idea of a joke then 'Pretty in pink' here is the punchline," deadpanned Jenna.

Ricardo opened his mouth to speak but Stephan's aura of helplessness caused the words to catch in his throat. After a moment he shook his head then withdrew a comb to slick back his orange-yellow hair. "Very well. Each of us holds the others in suspicion. What do we propose to do now?"

"I'm getting the heck out of here," said Maddie. "Either I'll find a way out or I'll make a way out. Screw this murder mansion business."

Ricardo nodded. "I too wish to depart. I neither want nor need the Bizza holdings, especially now that my dear Nikki has been taken from me."

Jenna said something unflattering as she coughed into her fist, the attempt to mask the slight was so transparent as to actually call attention to it.

Ricardo's mouth became a thin line as he glared unhappily at the woman in the white slip.

"I'm leaving too," said Bonnie. "I'll cooperate with the police but no one is paying me to solve this, especially not while I’m stuck in the middle of it."

Jenna, still lounging in her seat, turned to Chuck and asked playfully. "You planning on doin' me in, Chuckles?"

"Not particularly, JB," came his even reply. He crossed the room so that he and Jenna were on one side and the others were on the other.

"Cool. Then let's stick around. We can talk about which one of us gets all of granny's stuff."

Bonnie bit back a harsh remark to the former twin, instead turning to Stephan. "Would you like to leave with us too, Stephan?"

The man shook his head so enthusiastically that Bonnie was surprised his hair didn't break free of its restraints.

"What do you mean 'us’?" said Maddie pointedly.

Ricardo answered first. "Logically, at most one of us is a killer. If the four of us leave in a group in search of an exit then the other three will be able to overpower the one, should they attempt anything. And that's assuming the killer isn't on the other side of the room," he sniped while looking pointedly in Jenna and Chuck’s direction.

Maddie's fire poker lowered slightly but she remained unconvinced. "And if the lights go out again?"

Ricardo rolled his eyes. "We'll all carry our own light sources. Bonnie has a flashlight, you and I can use our phone lights until we find something better, and Stephan..."

"Oh! Hold on a second," he said as he groped around the back of the base the fish was mounted to. There was a click and an LED in the side of the base turned on, chasing shadows from the corner of the room.

“This little fish of mine, I’m gonna let it shine~” sang the fish with Nana Fey’s warbling soprano voice.

Stephan looked up with a broad grin.

 _Because_ of course _it’s also a flashlight. Knowing Nana Fey, it probably dispenses peppermints if you twist the tail._

Maddie gave them each a gimlet-eyed stare. "Fine. But if any wannabe Jason Voorhees tries something, I'm going to make sure there isn't enough of you left over for a jump scare two scenes later."

* * *

The going was slow at first. The old mansion groaned and creaked; every noise was cause for Maddie to swivel around and silently menace the other three with either her glare, her poker, or both.

Every so often a distant thunderclap would herald a flickering of the lights which caused everyone to back away from each other, everyone wide-eyed and tense.

Also, the fish would sometimes pipe up unprompted.

Bonnie was trying unsuccessfully to pick a locked exit in a kitchen, Ricardo hovering over her shoulder critiquing her, when a squeaky voice said, “Knock-Knock.”

“Who’s there?” answered Stephan.

“Little old lady,” came the fishy reply.

Bonnie, Ricardo, and Maddie turned as one to stare at Stephan.

“‘Little old lady’ who?”

“I didn’t know you could yodel,” finished the fish.

A guffaw followed by giggles escaped Stephan.

Bonnie facepalmed. _Why are the cute ones always damaged goods?_

Ricardo rounded on Stephan. “This is no time for jokes, sir! Kindly refrain from activating that while we try to make good our escape.”

Maddie, to Bonnie’s considerable surprise, gave a world-weary sigh instead of barking out threats. “No, those things just do that sometimes. Ms. Fey used to ship those fish out to all the store managers. If the dumb thing wasn’t hanging up, batteries charged, when she dropped in for a surprise inspection, you’d get in serious trouble. It’s even worse if there was more than one because they’ll activate each other.”

Maddie shuddered at some assuredly fish-filled memory.

Ricardo seemed about to respond when there was a reverberating crash followed by a shriek from deeper in the mansion. Everyone jumped.

“That was Jenna!” said Stephan.

None of the others started to move.

“And?” asked Maddie, the familiar aggression returning to her voice.

“We have to get to her!” he protested.

Bonnie was already halfway across the room when she realized what she was doing. 

_Ugh! Why do I always have to be the knight in shining duster?_ she chided herself.

“I’ll stay here to keep an eye on Maddie,” called Ricardo as red and pink sprinted down the hall, Maddie’s response swallowed up in the sound of their footfalls.

Before long Stephan was lagging behind, which mattered less since Bonnie was backtracking yet again through the labyrinthine manor. 

“Which. Way. Do we. Go?” wheezed Stephan, leaning against a silent grandfather clock.

“A broken clock is right twice a day,” said the fish inanely.

“You stay here, Stephan. Holler for the others if you see anything-” _Fishy? I was about to say ‘fishy’ and I can feel that little ebb in my sense of self-worth._ “-unusual,” she finished after a brief pause. She firmed up the grip on her club-like flashlight. “I can look after myself,” she added, starting forward once more.

“And I thought _I_ was a catch,” quipped the fish as Bonnie rounded the corner.

* * *

It took some time --whoever had designed this mansion was apparently a fan of Escher-- but Bonnie found a door that was ajar, the sound of humming coming from within.

She burst into the room, flashlight in hand and turned on in case the lights went out again... and to disorient any would-be attackers.

Jenna was standing in front of a vanity mirror reapplying her makeup. "What's up, Bon-bon?"

Ignoring Jenna for a moment, Bonnie made a sweep of the area. It was a bedroom, nicely furnished. There was a large bed that was leaning drunkenly to one side, the covers rumpled, and that rolling pin of Jenna's sat on the bedside table. The door to an adjacent room was closed, light escaping the gap above the floor, with the sound of running water coming from within.

The penny dropped. Bonnie groaned inwardly.

Apparently Bonnie showed more on her face than she intended because Jenna chuckled as she put the last of her makeup into a little clutch she kept... somewhere.

Jenna’s expression was, for the moment, sincere though it gradually reacquired its default impishness as she spoke. “Things are complicated with me and Chuck, sure, but we’re both reeling from what happened to Nikki. Comfort in the face of tragedy an’ all. Plus, Chuck can-”

Bonnie held up her hand to silence her. "Spare me the details. Just show me that Chuck is okay and I'll head back to the others."

Jenna smirked at Bonnie then turned to the bathroom door and raised a hand to her mouth. "Hey Chuckles, you decent? We've got a visitor."

The sound of running water continued but no one answered.

Jenna walked over, her white dress clinging to her for dear life, and knocked on the door. "Come on, Chuck. You fall in or somethin'?"

No answer save the sound of the faucet.

The smug slid off Jenna's face. She twisted the doorknob. "Ready or not here I co-AAAH!" 

She backed out the room as fast as she’d entered it, not stopping until she reached the lopsided bed.

Peering carefully around the door, Bonnie saw Chuck in a collapsed heap on the floor, the blood marring what was surely a very expensive outfit. She stepped in, careful not to disturb a crime scene, and checked for a pulse. There was none.

Bonnie stepped out of the bathroom and shone her light in Jenna's face. While the woman was confused, Bonnie retrieved a pair of handcuffs she kept tucked into the recesses of her coat and tossed them at Jenna’s feet. "Put these on and follow me."

Jenna shielded her eyes from Bonnie's flashlight, then, blinking, looked down at the cuffs, confusion on her face. "Wait, you think I-"

"Cut the act," said Bonnie sharply. "Put the handcuffs on or I take you down and then cuff you."

"But Chuck's-" Bonnie took a step towards Jenna, the latter's hands immediately raising in surrender. "Whoa, easy there P.I. Joe. I give!"

She slipped on the cuffs with a practiced ease Bonnie tried not to contemplate. "For the record, I didn't do in Chuck. Or Nikki," said the lady in white.

"Noted," answered Bonnie brusquely. She checked the cuffs to make sure they were on securely, then pivoted Jenna towards the door and prodded her with her flashlight. "Now, march."

* * *

Stephan was waiting by the old grandfather clock. His eyes went wide as saucers as he saw Bonnie compelling a cuffed Jenna down the corridor.

"Take a picture, Pinky. It'll last longer," snarked the woman in white.

Stephan fell into step alongside Bonnie and in a hesitant whisper he said, "Wh-what happened?"

"I found Chuck dead in the suite with Jenna,” said Bonnie matter-of-factly.

Stephan swallowed, the rest of the walk back to the others proceeded in silence... sorta. After they were most of the way back they heard repeated banging sounds and searing language from Maddie issuing down the halls.

"I! Only! Took! That stupid! Manager! Job! Because the! 401k! Matching! Was so good!" each exclamation delineated with a resonating bang.

"Really?" they heard Ricardo ask. "What are we talking here? Twenty percent?"

The banging stopped for a second. "Full match on up to forty percent annual salary. I fully vested last month, too."

Ricardo gave a low whistle.

"Yeah. Just one! More! Reason I'm! Not going! To die! In this! _Stupid! HOUSE!"_

The trio entered the kitchen to find Maddie hammering on the locked door with a fire extinguisher. The wood was partly staved through revealing study-looking metal plating on the other side.

"That won't work. During the Restaurant War, Nana had this place renovated into a fortress," drawled Jenna.

"Rra!" roared Maddie in frustration, the fire extinguisher flying across the room and crashing heavily into an oven.

"What's she doing here?" asked Ricardo, disdain dripping from his words.

"Chuck's dead-" started Bonnie.

"Wasn't me," interjected Jenna.

"-and Jenna was right there when I found him. 

“Was that the scream and bang we heard?” questioned Ricardo.

Emulating one of her aunts, Bonnie called upon all the reserves of stoicism she could. “The bed broke. That startled her.”

Bonnie could watch as the penny dropped for Maddie and Ricardo. Stephan looked confused right up until the moment he started to flush red.

Grabbing the reigns of the conversation once more, Bonnie said, “Anyway, Jenna is going to help us find a way out-"

"The _hell_ I am. You just want us all out so you can-"

Bonnie jabbed her once more with the butt of her flashlight and continued. "She's going to help us find a way out. When I first got here, Nikki said that she and her sister stayed in this house every summer. If anyone knows the way out of here, it's her. We find a way out, cuff her to something sturdy, and then let the police find her. She can enjoy her grandmother's vast fortune from inside a prison cell for all I care."

A toaster oven shattered against a wall. Maddie, panting, picked up her fire poker. Stephan grabbed a glass from a cupboard, filled it with water from the tap, and handed it to her. She thanked Stephan then chugged the contents of the cup.

Wiping her mouth on her arm, Maddie turned and said, "Alright Jenna. How do we get out of here?"

* * *

They stood outside the door to the garage. Said door looked capable of withstanding a siege which, given Nana Fey's paranoia during the height of the Restaurant War, was probably what it was intended for.

“Remind me why I shouldn’t just throw you through a window?” asked Maddie, arms akimbo.

Jenna rolled her eyes. “The staff sealed up all the windows when they left, for one.”

“Even on the second floor? Because taking us to a sealed door makes me not mind hauling you up the stairs if I had to.”

“There are no windows on the second floor. Place is weird like that. And above that is just the attic. Besides, that locker there has a hidden latch on the left-hand side. It opens into a hidden passageway that'll take you into the garage. You'll either get out a side door or you can use the Rolls to ram your way outta here."

Ricardo felt around the side of the locker, whose mundane use was to store the driver's personal effects while he was on the job. There was a click and then the whole thing swung into the hallway, revealing a tight space between the walls.

Maddie pinched the bridge of her nose. "Of course there's secret passageways. I think I just got bingo on my scary house cliché sheet."

Everyone stared at Maddie.

"Nevermind. I'm getting out of here."

“Cheaters never prosper,” said Stephan’s fish, apropos of nothing.

The blonde crouched down, poker in one hand and phone light in the other, and entered the passage. She made it about three paces before there was a faint click and then a guillotine flew down, striking the poker and sheering it in half with a spray of sparks.

Maddie fell backwards out of the passage with a yelp.

"Whoa. Guess granny upgraded the tryst tunnel," muttered Jenna.

Maddie was still on the floor, staring at the passageway, the stub of her fire poker laying nearby. "That was a trap! I nearly died!" She scrambled to her feet, snatching up the short-but-jagged length of metal. 

"You knew!" she yelled, pointing the mini-poker at Jenna, before moving it to Bonnie. "And you brought her with you! You probably both murdered Chuck and are trying to pick the rest of us off! Go the hell away!" she roared, menacing Bonnie and Jenna with the poker-fragment.

"Hey, Maddie, I don't think-" started Ricardo but he was silenced with an intense look from Maddie.

Bonnie and Jenna retreated a ways down the hallway.

"All the non-murderers, follow me," barked Maddie before marching deeper into the mansion without looking back. Ricardo glanced at Bonnie, then his gaze slid over to Jenna and his eyes narrowed. He followed hurriedly after Maddie.

Stephan stood in the middle of the two groups looking back and forth, uncertainly.

“A house divided is a fraction of itself. Know your limits and be rational,” rambled the fish.

"S-Sorry, Bonnie. Maybe I'll see you later," he said before turning and running after the blonde pair.

_So... that just happened._

"Did Nana Fey really use traps to keep you from sneaking out?" Bonnie asked after a moment.

"Yup. She wasn't so much strict as _creative,_ " answered Jenna.

"So you knew there was a trap in the passage?"

"Yeah, though last time I used it, I had a bucket of glitter dumped on me. It'd have been funny to see her get glitter bombed, don't you think?"

"Given the circumstances, no," answered Bonnie.

"You gonna undo my cuffs now?"

"Given the circumstances, no."

* * *

Connie shifted positions, her back still upset. She adjusted the heat pack, which helped a little. Unfortunately, the bowl of pretzels was empty, Sadie and she having made swift work of it.

Onscreen, there was a stove that had a fire extinguisher smashed through the oven window. A faint hissing sound and a barely detectable ripple in the air showed that natural gas was escaping through the opening.

A shadowy figure, indistinguishable given the camera angle and focus, reached over and ignited a burner on the range.

The gas continued to escape the ruined oven while nearby a merry blue flame burned.

* * *

"-but then Guac was like, 'I need to come home early more often. Now make some room.'"

Bonnie realized she'd chewed through yet another sucker. With an effort of will she unclenched her teeth, plucked the stick from her mouth, and flicked it into a nearby trashcan. 

She patted her coat pockets before finding what she was looking for and fishing out a replacement. With practiced ease she shucked the wrapper and put the pop in her mouth.

"How many of those you go through in a day?" asked Jenna.

"One or two packs," said Bonnie. A moment later she added, "I've been trying to cut back, though."

"And how's that workin' out?"

"Not well."

The pair had been wandering the mansion for what felt like hours. It felt that way not because of a lingering air of danger, nor because of a sense of claustrophobia as they traversed a labyrinth in house-form. No, it felt that way because Jenna was one of those people allergic to silence.

It was for that reason that Bonnie felt almost relieved when they rounded a corner and found Ricardo tacking up sheets of paper to the wall while muttering to himself.

That there was blood splattered over his grey overcoat was less comforting.

"Ah, Bonnie," he said conversationally, looking her way. Upon spying Jenna a little ways past her, his expression soured. "Jenna," he added, before turning back to the wall and tacking another sheet of paper onto it.

"Ricardo? Where are Maddie and Stephan?" asked Bonnie. In her mind's eye she was already rehearsing how she'd cross the distance between them and clobber the man into unconsciousness if needed.

He sighed and took off his glasses to clean them on his once-white undershirt. Realizing the state of the material, he sighed again and put them back on his face. "Ms. Saeller ran afoul of a trap, near as I can tell. And I haven't seen Stephan in even longer, so I can only assume he met a similar fate."

Bonnie twinged with regret to hear that.

"However, I believe I have deduced the cause of the situation we find ourselves in," and he gestured to the wall of conspiracy, complete with tacked up pieces of paper connected by lengths of string.

"Is it that you're crazy?" said Jenna. She turned to Bonnie. "Because that's my guess. Dude has always been a kook --sisters talk, ya know?-- and now he's gone completely off the deep end."

Bonnie, keeping Ricardo in her peripheral vision the whole time, looked at the conspiracy wall. _Friendly Fey Fish line connects to Nana Fey, who connects to the mayoral dynasty Chuck was a part of, but how that ties to 'assassination via shirt cannon' is beyond me._

"Uh, can you give me the punchline, Ricardo?"

"I believe Nana Fey faked her own death and is now using this lock-in as a means of picking off representatives of the generation that snubbed her novelty toy line," said Ricardo with complete conviction.

Jenna and Bonnie shared an incredulous look.

Sensing their hesitancy, Ricardo said, "In her video will she even used a smoke bomb to escape undetected. She's clearly trained in ninpō, more widely known as ninjutsu, and could be hiding in this very hallway."

He turned and lifted an umbrella out of a nearby umbrella stand, then looked cautiously inside.

_Yup. Crazy._

"Hey, Ricardo? Bonnie and I are just gonna have a little gal-talk. One sec," said Jenna, the chains of her handcuffs rattling as she pulled Bonnie aside.

"Rico there is off his rocker and eventually the voices will tell him we're next. He's _literally_ covered in the blood of his victims." Jenna stepped even closer, her face filling the whole of Bonnie's vision. "I gotta go all preemptive strike on him, and to do that, I'm gonna need you to be _really_ distracted long enough for me to do this."

"Wait, what?" asked Bonnie as she felt metal encircle her right wrist accompanied by a clicking sound.

Bonnie looked down in time to see Jenna finish tightening the other cuff around the leg of a sturdy looking console table.

"I've been slipping cuffs since I was fifteen," said the remaining Bizza twin cheekily.

Bonnie made a grab for Jenna with her free hand but the woman jumped back with a laugh.

 _If she could slip the cuffs then why did- She was biding her time! Though for safety, revenge, or escape I’m still not sure,_ thought Bonnie as she begrudgingly revised her opinion of the woman’s competence upward a notch.

"Why is she-" was as far as Ricardo got before Jenna grabbed a bust of her deceased father, Koffee, from a nearby alcove and hurled it at the man. It hit his upraised arm heavily, causing him to cry out.

"That's for my sister, you crazy bastard!" shouted Jenna as she sprinted down the hallway.

_Well, that answers that question: revenge and escape it is._

Bonnie hurriedly searched through her coat pockets for the keys to the cuffs. With a click, she was free.

She ran over to Ricardo, and helped him upright. He hissed in pain and cradled his arm against him.

"Broken?"

"I don't think so," he said, uncertainly. "Regardless, we need to hurry after her."

They passed down several hallways, the distant sound of Jenna's footfalls giving them direction, when Bonnie realized the area was growing familiar.

Just as they rounded the corner to the kitchen they were met with a blast of hot air, shrapnel, and a palpable wave of sound. Bonnie and Ricardo were thrown against the opposite wall.

With her vision swimming, Bonnie forced herself to her feet, only to stumble back to the floor, her left ankle screaming at her. Staggering once more to her feet, she shook her head to try and uncloud her vision. It took her a moment to realize part of the confusion was caused by the right lens of her glasses being badly cracked.

 _I almost don’t know why I wear these things,_ she thought to herself as she did her best to survey the damage. The hallway was littered with flaming debris. The kitchen itself was a roiling inferno. Whatever had happened, Jenna wasn’t a concern anymore.

Her duster had spared Bonnie the worst of the blast though that did nothing to protect the ankle that was throbbing. She turned to see Ricardo gritting his teeth against pain, his arm lying at an unnatural angle next to the mangled remains of a skillet that had been fired from the kitchen like a cannon ball.

With a sharp intake of breath he hissed out, "I’m pretty sure it's broken this time."

* * *

The fire spread with speed through the old house. According to Nikki, it had burned down once before, so maybe it had practice at it.

 _Hmm, what else had Nikki said?_ A thought was trying to push its way to the fore of Connie's mind, a journey made both slow and difficult by pain, fatigue, and general confusion.

_It used to be a hotel back in the twenties before it burned down. Suspected arson; a few people died. After that, someone bought the land and built this mansion, but the original owner committed suicide during the stock market crash. Jumped right out the third floor window._

_Jumped right out the third floor window._

"The third floor window!" exclaimed Bonnie

Ricardo startled, which meant he wasn't supporting Bonnie appropriately, which meant her ankle screamed at her once more until she managed to hop over and lean against a wall.

Ricardo looked a little embarrassed as he walked back over, giving her his good arm for support once more. "What about the third floor?" he asked.

"All the first floor windows are shuttered and barricaded. The second floor doesn't have any. But Nikki mentioned that a former owner jumped out of the third floor window, which means there _is_ a third floor window. We could tear down some curtains, tie them into a rope, and escape that way. I doubt the household staff bothered barricading that one."

Ricardo was about to raise his hand to his chin when he jolted in pain. He glanced down at the improvised sling Bonnie had rigged up for the arm not supporting Bonnie and sighed. "They could have."

"You got a better idea?"

"Point. Are you going to be able to handle going up stairs?"

"I don't really have much choice."

* * *

The ceiling was high and the pull cord for the attic was hard to reach, especially when Bonnie and Ricardo spent half the time choking on the smoke that was pouring upstairs.

Eventually they got the rickety ladder down, the cascade of splinters and signs of dry rot doing little to improve their confidence.

"I'll help hold it steady while you make your way up," said Ricardo before stopping to cough on a lungful of smoke.

Bonnie nodded, then checked to ensure the makeshift rope they'd made was tied securely across her torso like a bandolier. Then, with careful, slow, and occasionally painful progress, Bonnie worked her way up the ladder.

The attic had antique office furniture pushed to the sides, assorted lumpy shapes obscured by dust-covered canvas tarps, and box after box of _Friendly Fey Fish_ -brand Amazing Advice fish( **tm** ).

Thin light entered the attic via two windows: one large, grungy, and occupying most of the far end of the attic wall; the other smaller and set higher up, with an ornate geometric design. The former would make the better point of egress. Curls of smoke were streaming up through spots in the attic floor, obscuring the ceiling overhead and giving the whole space a hellish cast.

"There's a window we can use!" shouted Bonnie. When there was no answer below, she looked to see...

Ricardo staring straight ahead, his one good arm held up in surrender.

"You're not off the hook yet," said Nana Fey from somewhere out of sight. Then there was the bark of a gun, once, twice, each causing Ricardo to jerk as red sprayed out the exit wound.

The man fell bonelessly to the ground.

Bonnie was stunned for all of a second before a combination of training and survival instinct compelled her up the last of the ladder and into the attic proper.

_Was he actually right?! Did a ninja Nana Fey fake her death to enact gory and misplaced revenge?_

_Actually, that kinda does sound like her style,_ Bonnie had to concede as she hopped across the attic as quickly as she could, bracing against the boxes and furniture for stability.

The ladder shuddered as someone started to climb up.

Bonnie took hold of an Edwardian era footstool and threw it through the window with all her might. She staggered to her hands and knees, too choked up on smoke to curse the pain in her ankle. She could feel the warm air of the house rushing out through the hole in the window like smoke drawn up a chimney, the smoke growing even thicker as a consequence.

"Does someone think they can skip school? The lesson isn't over yet, small fry," said Nana Fey from partway up the ladder.

Bonnie used her coat to clear away the jagged shards around the window, and then hobbled at full speed to a heavy mahogany desk that looked to predate most of the 20th century. She tied one end of the curtain-rope in place with as much care as she dared.

While Bonnie was hopping toward the window her good leg punched through a weakened section of floor, causing her to drop awkwardly and painfully onto her injured foot. Her hat bounced off her head, lolling on its side close to the very window she had almost escaped out of. The leg felt hot from more than just the scrapes she knew she'd received. Smoke was already curling up through the hole.

Bonnie tugged at the trapped leg ineffectively, then swiveled around as she heard someone stepping into the attic.

Rising from the ladder into the smoke-filled attic like a baleful spirit, was...

"Stephan?" said Bonnie, her brain stripping a few gears as it tried to take in this reveal.

One of his sleeves was missing at the shoulder and there were spots of red amidst the pink. His hair had escaped its restraints and was spilled across his shoulders and back in thick, disorganized curls. In one hand he was holding a pistol, presumably Chuck’s, and in the other was that fish.

Like him, it was the worse for wear. A swath of scales were missing from just behind the dorsal fin, up to include most of its face. Apparently it had realistic looking bones underneath, because they reflected the dim lighting uncannily. The fake, almost cartoonish eye that had stared out at the world was missing, only the LED remaining.

Bonnie struggled to free her leg. "Stephan, you don't have to do this."

The fish twisted to face Bonnie, it’s ruined eye glowing a malevolent red as it flapped its jaws in a mockery of speech. "No one ever got ahead letting others walk all over them," it said in an accusing tone. Its phrase complete, it jerked back into its default position, the ‘eye’ dimming slowly, maliciously.

He looked down at the fish, nodded his head and continued to advance on Bonnie.

_REALLY?! HE'S LISTENING TO THE- There is a man desperate for direction in his life._

“I think you’re a bit confused. It’s okay. We can get you the help you need...”

“No,” Stephan shouted, pointing the gun. “I know exactly what I’m doing! They were all bad people! They said so themselves. Every single one of them had a motive for killing all of us. If I hadn’t done it ...” There were tears in his eyes. “If I hadn’t done it, they would have killed me. It’s just like the fish said, ‘in this world, it’s kill or be killed.’”

Flames began to flicker around the edges of the attic entrance, the rotten wood of the ladder no doubt burning quickly.

“Listen. I don’t really know what’s going on, but you shouldn’t listen to that fish! It’s obviously some kind of ghost or ... or the result of some really, _REALLY_ misguided product design choices. Either way, you can fight it, you’re better than that!”

The flames rose higher as something out of sight collapsed with a crash, a furnace-blast of air escaping out the ruined window, making Stephan’s curls dance madly in its passage.

“It--” Stephan shook his head. “It’s too late for that! I’ve already killed everyone else! There’s no turning back now!”

Casting about, Bonnie pulled the handcuffs from her pocket and threw them at Stephan. He dodged them but came up just in time to catch a half-empty pack of suckers in the face.

"Ow!" he yelped and stumbled backward, crashing into a stack of boxes, and causing novelty fish to spill out across the floor. Flames began to lick up the sides of one of the overturned boxes.

Stephan got back to his feet, coughing slightly in the smoke-filled air. He rubbed his nose. "That hurt," he said, his expression so pained, so pure, for a split second Bonnie felt like she'd just kicked a puppy.

_No! No feeling sympathetic toward the murderer who's being fish-whispered!_

The fish in Stephan's grip turned to face Connie at the same time all the others on the floor wriggled in animatronic near-unison. "Too much candy is bad for you," sang out a choir of Nana Feys, several lagging a second behind to make the whole thing sound discordant, deranged.

Bonnie tugged again at her leg, feeling a little give where previously there'd been none. "Stephan, we... we could leave. Just go our separate ways. I won't tell anyone what's happened here. I promise."

Stephan paused for a moment, his eyes softening as he looked at her, and the aim of his gun strayed slightly.

Then the fish in his hand twitched to life, the rest of the piscine choir a second behind. "It's important to finish what you start."

Stephan's eyes hardened at that and the pistol was pointed at Bonnie once more.

The house groaned. The heat on Bonnie's foot had grown to truly worrisome levels. The attic entrance was roaring like a campfire. Antique furniture was beginning to smolder. Several boxes were aflame, red LED eyes and blackened scales visible between the gaps in the cardboard.

Stephan took a step.

"It only takes ten pounds of force to snap a neck," cried the animatronic chorus.

Bonnie looked around for anything more to throw but found nothing.

Stephan took another step.

"Nice guys finish last," sang out the discordant choir.

Bonnie tugged on her leg with abandon, making literally painful, slow progress.

Stephan took another step.

"The weak are grist for the mill. Only the strong will survive," yelled the novelty congregation.

Stephan advanced on her again, his expression resolute.

She nearly had it. "Stephan!" she said desperately as he leveled the gun on her. "What if- What if I took a fish with me too? We could escape together. All four of us. One happy, well-advised couple."

"R-Really?" he stammered. With slow and shaky progress, the pistol was lowered. "You, me, and the fish? Together?" Tears began to stream down his face, whether from the smoke or from his tortured emotions was unclear.

Bonnie nodded energetically, all while struggling to free her leg.

The pistol disappeared in a pant pocket and he extended a hand toward Bonnie.

“Everyone you trust will betray you,” the demented fish cacophony shouted.

“No, the fish is right!” Stephan said, closing his eyes. “I can’t risk it! If ... if anyone finds out what I’ve done, my mom and dad’s name will be disgraced! No one will understand I had to do this! I ...” A sob escaped Stephan’s throat but when he looked up, the pistol was once more in his grip. “I’m sorry, Bonnie...”

With a heave and a shot of pain, Bonnie lunged up putting her weight on her screaming ankle, her arm already swinging her flashlight in a tight arc. There was a loud _crack_ and Stephan fell nerveless to the floor, breathing but unconscious.

Doing her best to ignore the pain radiating out of her ankle, Bonnie crawled to the window, the light of flames dancing across the yard below.

"How do you feel about catch and release?" asked the gruesome tchotchke.

Bonnie lifted herself through and out the window, snatching up her hat along the way. "Go fish," she said before she lowered herself to the ground below.

* * *

There were far better crutches out there than a rake, but none handy.

Bonnie made her way down the drive, her path lit by the pyre the Bizza mansion had become.

 _Maybe there'll be a good samaritan willing to offer a stranger a ride. A bloody, injured stranger in soot-stained clothes... Well, at least it’s a nice night for a walk,_ she thought as she passed the gates, still open.

While Bonnie paused at the road, considering whether to go left or go right, she absent-mindedly patted her coat pockets.

 _Oh, right,_ she thought as she remembered what had happened to her last pack of suckers. _A pity, because I could_ really _use one right now._

* * *

The credits started to roll.

Connie adjusted the heating pad. Sadie leaned over to Connie.

“So what did you think?” Sadie asked.

Connie smiled. “It was alright. Got pretty scary at the end though. Sorta like _Coraline_.”

“Yeah, I know. The alternate ending is a lot more ridiculous and doesn’t add up, so I’m glad they went with this despite the tonal shift.”

“Was the alternate ending that Nana Fey actually was a ninja?”

“Maaaybe?”

Connie snorted.

Nearby, Ronaldo looked up from his phone and stood up dramatically.

“Brilliant! Fantastic! A _masterpiece!”_ he shouted.

“Uh ... wow, laying it on a bit thick there, Ronaldo?” Sadie said. “I mean the movie is pretty good but--”

“Huh?” Ronaldo looked over from his phone. “Oh yeah, the movie was okay. No, I was talking about the blog post I just wrote.”

“Oh.”

“I was detailing how the uncomfortable similarities this movie, as well as all media, have with real life are part of a vast Conspiracy laid out by--”

Ronaldo was interrupted by a loud snore. Connie and everyone else looked to the couch in the back of the room other end of the couch. Jenny was lying in Buck’s lap snoring, with a small drop of drool on her lips.

Sadie covered her mouth with a laugh.

“Wow, I didn’t take Jenny for the type to fall asleep during a movie,” she said. “She do that a lot, Buck?”

Buck leaned back, saying nothing.

“Buck?” Sadie repeated.

Buck still said nothing.

“He’s not answering?” Connie whispered, her heart pounding.

Ronaldo’s face went pale.

“Oh no, life is imitating art just like my blog post predicted! CHECK HIS PULSE!” Ronaldo shouted. “We can still save him if we--”

Sadie rolled her eyes and took off Buck’s sunglasses, to show his eyes were closed. He was breathing in deep, even breaths.

Ronaldo cleared his throat. His cheeks blushed.

“Orrr he’s simply asleep too,” Ronaldo said. “Right. I was just about to say that.”

Sadie looked at Connie and rolled her eyes.

Connie smiled.

“Well, I guess I should head home and--” Connie winced as she tried to stand up.

Sadie frowned but didn’t raise the subject.

All of that flew past Ronaldo’s notice as he pulled a digital voice recorder from a pocket. “I need a moment of everyone’s time to collect their thoughts for the blog. I merely need one or two sentences about the film, plus a rating.”

Sadie scratched the back of her neck. “Well, it’s getting kinda late but… okay?”

“Excellent,” said Ronaldo, either not noticing or not caring about her reluctance.

Connie raised the house lights, prompting Jenny to wake with a snort.

“Whoa, wha… Hey, guys,” she said. “Rise and shine, Boo. Meditation time is ov-” she was midway through prodding Buck when she stopped and pointed at Ronaldo. “What’s all that on your cheeks, dude?”

* * *

> -these parallels between film and life represent a weak point in our reality, or merely the result of a nascent truth-seeker with a job as a screenplay writer? Also, why did I spontaneously develop glyphic symbols on the sides of my face while viewing this film? I call upon you, the KBCW faithful, to find out the Truth!
> 
> Also, the practical effects were above-average, which was a pleasant surprise.
> 
> As ever, additional data is always important and so I gathered feedback from the other movie-viewers present.
> 
> _The director wore their inspirations on their sleeve in this one, but at least they were good movies to be paying homage to. Three-out-of-five. Makes a good ‘starter’ movie for someone just getting into the genre._  
>  -Sadie, Fellow Horror Movie Connoisseur
> 
> _I really identified with the characters, ya know? There was just somethin’ ‘bout this flick that, like, resonated with me. Four stars._  
>  -Jenny, Intimidating Teenage Girl
> 
> _Beware the wishes granted by talking fish. This movie opened two-out-of-three eyes._  
>  -Buck, wears shades in the dark for some reason
> 
> _I’ve been chased by a talking fish before and this movie was much more frightening. The scariest movie I’ve seen since_ Coraline, _but I don’t really know how many stars to give it._  
>  -Connie, Astute Hybrid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The art for this chapter came from BurdenKing. The promo image below was drawn by MjStudioArts.
> 
> This brings us to the conclusion of _Bonnie Lockdrew and the Cries of Hallowed Halls_. Tune in Wednesday the 25th for the start of **Episode 16: Loud and Clear**.
>
>>   
>   
>  Steven is back from a three-week family vacation to find Connie in a funk. The pair head up to Lighthouse Park for a picnic where Steven intends to find out what he missed and help his forlorn friend.
> 
>   
> A new omake has been added to the collection and an additional collection of omakes has been posted:  
> *) [Power Testing: Electricity and Energy Aura](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10673391/chapters/27875916) by [br42](http://archiveofourown.org/users/br42/pseuds/br42) \- "Lapis, Jasper, Peridot, and Steven spend the day testing Connie's electricity power and aura of radiated gem energy. Connie learns more about both her powers and the unfortunate number of electricity puns out there.” **This fic is 100% canon.**
> 
> *) [Connie Swap: Peridot’s What-If Machine Collection](http://archiveofourown.org/works/12265302/chapters/27873939) by [br42](http://archiveofourown.org/users/br42/pseuds/br42) and [CoreyWW](http://archiveofourown.org/users/CoreyWW/pseuds/CoreyWW) \- "Peridot unveils her latest and greatest invention: a device that can scour the Multiverse, answering hypothetical questions with brief scenes.” This is a collection of all the omakes written so far in answer to questions submitted, as well as the prompt omake itself.
> 
> Fan of the fic [kahlen369](http://kahlen369.tumblr.com/) (link is to their Tumblr page) made this very cool piece of fanart entitled _Connie Swap!Steven on Warp Pad_.
> 
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> Finally, [Ep14Ch5](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11949696/chapters/27550950) was changed some on October 2nd: the power discussion section between Connie and the others was expanded. Specifically this includes Connie asking a few more follow-up questions about the whole embedded gem thing that Peridot references. We had originally planned to include elaboration on that in a subsequent chapter of a subsequent episode. However, the more we thought about it the more this seemed like the logical spot for this conversation to arise organically, so we decided to go and introduce the change. Consider giving it another look.
> 
> * * *
> 
> If you have a Connie Swap story burning in your soul that you want to see in our official, curated Omake collection, drop us a comment either in the Omake fic or here in the main fic and we'll get in touch.
> 
> Connie Swap has an official Discord for the fans. [Come check it out.](https://discord.gg/RQMDdhr)
> 
> As usual, we'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments and your asks at the [Connie Swap Tumblr](http://connieswap.tumblr.com/). Thanks for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> Keeping track of all the updates to Connie Swap can get a little difficult, can't it? It doesn't have to be! If you go to the [Connie Swap Series](http://archiveofourown.org/series/630527) page and click the " **Subscribe** " button then you will receive an email alert every time a new episode is posted or a new chapter is added to _ANY_ fic in Connie Swap.
> 
> One button. All the updates.


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